The Summer I Went Crazy

Jul. 23rd, 2017 05:47 am
ofmonstrouswords: (thg: haymitch coffee)
[personal profile] ofmonstrouswords
Serious content warning for this post. I talk about childhood abuse, trauma, suicide, and sexual assault.

There’s a video making the rounds on social media. I haven’t watched it. I don’t want to watch it. But I’ve seen the comments and I know, basically, what it’s about: a child having a tantrum on a train.

Comments have ranged from “this kid is probably autistic” to “this kid needs to be disciplined” and it strikes me this is just yet another way for people without kids to judge parents for not doing a good enough job; or people with kids to feel superior because THEIR child never had a meltdown on the subway.

It also strikes me how very lucky I am to have been born in 1986 and become a teenager in the 90s. Because I grew up without ubiquitous cellphone video cameras and the ability to post video of strangers online. I grew up without the danger that my one bad day would have meant worldwide shaming of my mother, and custody being ripped away from her.

Before we moved to Hawai’i my summers were split between my parents. (After moving there, I spent them with my bio-sire, for what was called “access” because he required access to his child and I was supposed to have access to my tormentors.)

After the first half of the summer being spent with my bio-sire and his new girlfriend, a woman we dubbed Wife #5 (he’s on #7 now), and her band of ill-mannered, horrific monsters of children, I got to spend time with my mom. This particular summer we went to Hawai’i to visit with people, including my new friend who became my best friend and still is (she was my maid of honor at my wedding).

I’m not really sure why she stuck with me for so many years, because that was the second year we knew each other and it was the summer I went insane.

I was a monster. I screamed and cried and kicked. I lashed out at everyone, including my best friend. I threw tantrums on a regular basis. I said cruel, hurtful things. I tried to kill myself. I wielded sharp weapons and was a danger to myself and others.

No one knew what was going on. My mother was at a complete loss, trying to manage a child who had never acted out on this scale before. She was inches from putting me into an institution, and had the threat of my bio-sire taking custody not loomed, she may have done so.

And I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t have words for it and I blamed myself.

What was happening was a culmination of years of abuse and trauma. I had been suffering abuse from my bio-sire since I was 2 years old, and now he had a new family who liked to join in on the fun. I was accused of stealing money from my stepmom, had my belongings stolen from me by my stepsister and then blamed when I tried to get them back from her, called names, threatened, punished when I complained of headaches or coughing because my stepmom liked to smoke cigarettes below my room.

I remember being told by my stepmom that everything was my mom’s fault — yes, even the fact that she and my dad weren’t fucking anymore, which is completely appropriate to say to a kid, right? — and that she was my new mom now and I had to get used to it.

I remember being loathed so completely by my stepmom and step-siblings that I would have done anything to be accepted and loved. Anything.

So I was very easy to coerce.

My stepbrother may have only been 6 months older than me, but he was fully cognizant of what was going on. He’d convinced me the only way I could be accepted by the family was if I did what he asked. I didn’t want to, but I wanted to be accepted.

Of course, I never was. And I blamed myself for what happened for another 10 years. It wasn’t until I confessed, crying, to my first boyfriend about what a dirty, shameful slut I was for having had sex at age 10, telling him the whole story, that he held me and said: Babe. You were raped. That was rape.

It was rape, and it was the cherry on top of the shit sundae of trauma and abuse ladled out to me by my bio-sire and his new wife and her children.

And I couldn’t tell anyone. All I could do was go insane.

If this had been now, if I’d been acting out that way in the modern era, some asshole would film it and put it online so people could shame my mom. She’d lose custody of me and I’d have to live with my bio-sire, where my stepbrother would be free to rape me as many times as he wanted. And in the end, I’d take my own life.

There are so many times I wish I’d told my mom when it happened. If I had, that would have been it: she would have been able to get sole, full custody of me and prevent my bio-sire from ever seeing me again. I would have had a better adolescence. I would have started healing sooner. I wouldn’t have had to spend the night with then ex-Wife #5 in my teens because of a missed ferry connection, and weathered the look her older son gave me as I stood in their kitchen, the look that made me feel dirty, and ashamed, and like I wanted to jump into the Salish Sea and drown.

I have searched for years for ways to cleanse myself of the shame, and the anger and the hatred. Ways for me to process the trauma — not just that rape, but all the other compounded trauma that came after it, including another rape. I have done so much, but it is still not enough, and sometimes I feel like that ten-year-old: ready to scream and break down in public, ready to fling myself off a building, ready to kill anyone who gets close to me.

I’ve thought for a while that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve been close to committing myself a few times in the past year, which might be the right move seeing as I requested a psych consult over a year ago and BC’s medical establishment moves as fast as a glacier when it comes to mental health. I want a diagnosis. Because what I think I have doesn’t help me get help. It won’t help me get better meds than what I have.

Recently, I heard that Borderline Personality Disorder can look the same as C-PTSD. C-PTSD, or Complex-PTSD, is what happens when someone suffers trauma over and over for a long period of time.

I already know I have PTSD; now I’m pretty sure I have C-PTSD. Because I suffered trauma for years on end from my bio-sire and my stepfamilies, then later from partners, people who were supposed to love me but only hurt me.

One of them, I still can’t speak his name without freaking out.

Another, this year I celebrated it having been 7 years since he touched me. I have grown into a body he never knew.

And I had C-PTSD when I was 10, because that was after 8 years of hell.

Last night, instead of sleeping, my brain decided to replay the abuse over and over again. Over and over again, I remembered the rape. It’s been over two decades, and I still cannot shake this trauma.

Maybe that kid in the video just needs discipline. Or maybe they’re fighting a battle we know nothing about. Maybe the last thing that parent needs is strangers judging them. Maybe what they need is compassion, and understanding, and patience.

Maybe we don’t know the first fucking thing about other people’s lives. Maybe we should consider that before we whip out the cell phone and start filming.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2vxl4Tz via IFTTT
--

Call for Themes

Jul. 22nd, 2017 11:48 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
I've reached the end of scheduled themes for the Poetry Fishbowl project.  It's time to brainstorm some new themes!  These are a few that I've jotted down earlier, ones that I've thought up or people have suggested, to give you an idea what kind of stuff might be suitable:

* Help and Helpiness
* Otherkin
* Pirates and Brigands

What other themes would you like to see me write about?  Suggest them in a comment below this post. 

Later on I'll collect the suggestions and do some polling.  The most popular topics will be added to the schedule for future fishbowls.  Previously, I have just dumped all the proposed themes into a big poll.  The more themes people suggest, the less well this works.  I have an idea for fixing that problem.  This time, I'm going to run the first large poll with checkboxes so you can express interest in as many themes as you like.  I will then either pick from the most popular ones, or use that information to pull out the favorite themes for a smaller poll to select the ones which will appear in upcoming fishbowls.

You can also help by linking to this post so that more people will see it.  Everyone is welcome to suggest themes.  Everyone will also be able to vote for them later; prompters and donors will get extra votes.  If you link to the call for themes, you can reveal a verse in any open perk poem:
"Testing the Metal
"Dangerous Refuges
"The Marble and the Sculptor
"The Golden Peaches of Peace
"Leaves Upon the Water"
"The Quick Brown Fox"
"Lead Us in Peace"
"We Will Fade into You"

Poem: "Chipped"

Jul. 22nd, 2017 09:23 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Damask smiling over their shoulder (polychrome)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
This poem came out of the July 4, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from [personal profile] bairnsidhe, [personal profile] readera, [personal profile] alexseanchai, and [livejournal.com profile] rix_scaedu. It also fills the "bisexual" square in my 5-29-17 card for the Pride Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by Anthony & Shirley Barrette. It belongs to the Antimatter & Stalwart Stan thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.

Warning: This poem contains some fractious content. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It features crowds, frustration, floundering over cape identity, rude people, obnoxious language, sex/gender bigotry, bigot-baiting, questioning aspects of personal sexuality, and other challenges. But mostly it's fluff. It's also a humor-based choking hazard. Do not read with your mouth full! If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.

Read more... )

Read "The Order of Their Stars"

Jul. 22nd, 2017 08:05 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Thanks to generous donations from [personal profile] ng_moonmoth[personal profile] across_space_and_time[personal profile] technoshaman, and [personal profile] alatefeline, you can now read the opening of "The Order of Their Stars."  Astin helps V with a shopping trip.

Effects of Father Loss

Jul. 22nd, 2017 07:10 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
 ... are not just emotional, but biological.  It shortens a child's telomeres.  While death has the biggest impact, divorce or incarceration have similar effects.  Shortened telomeres correlate with shortened lifespan and worsened health.  Now consider that in light of policies from prison to foster care.  Losing a parent is the worst thing that can happen to a child.  If they are not literally in immediate risk of death, everything else does less damage.  That sucks, but it should be used to find other ways of solving family and social problems that do not butcher children's lifespan and health at a cellular level.

No mention was made of mothers.  Likely the effects parallel those of father loss.  I would not be surprised if they are worse.

It Keeps You Runnin'

Jul. 22nd, 2017 07:54 pm
pshaw_raven: (All Work No Play)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
Today my training called for me to enter and run a 5k, but since it's a billion degrees in Florida, I opted to just run the mileage on my treadmill and push my pace as much as I could. My previous 5k time from April was something like 35 minutes? I forget and I don't feel like looking for my running log, but it was 35 or 36 minutes, nothing stellar. I figure running indoors in the air conditioning, on a treadmill with no wind resistance or hills to negotiate, no clumps of slower runners to get around, I should do pretty well.

It took me like 45 minutes.

Here's my problem, though. I am almost totally certain that my Fitbit isn't accurate at miles, even when I'm running with my phone and it can get GPS. Out here the signal isn't always reliable. I assumed the treadmill would be since that's literally what it does. At the end of that run, treadmill said 3.1 miles, Fitbit said 3.49. I'm not sure if I ran 5k within a time that would be within my capabilities as Not The Fastest Runner Out There, or if with everything working in my favor, I flubbed it.

I'm not training for mileage right now anyway - I'm trying to train for speed (and apparently not gaining any, so there's that) so I'm not super concerned with distance. But in August I start training for Dopey and I am going to need reasonably accurate distances. I mean like within 1/20th of a mile. I'll be doing 48.6 miles in four days so I need to be prepared for it. I get the feeling I crapped out towards the end of my half marathon because I'd thought I was doing 10 - 12 mile long runs and the distance wasn't actually that far.

If I'm lucky it'll get cool enough to run outside in September, especially if I get up early enough. I know Fox will help me drive off miles in the truck and put out stakes at each mile point. (I take walk breaks every mile, like how there's an aid station at each mile in a real race so you slow down to drink) But for right now I'm just confused as hell about how much running I'm actually doing. Maybe I should just split the difference between the two?

In other news, Baby Sheba seems to be doing better. Fewer throw-ups and less of that strange noise. I missed a dose of cat-lax this morning but she doesn't seem to be in any distress, and I even heard her playing during the night. She still acts like she feels normal. I'm continuing to watch her, but I'm hopeful the medicine is doing its job. Also the other cats love it and think it's a treat - she's the only one who won't voluntarily lick the tube. Because, cats.

not what I expected to do this week

Jul. 21st, 2017 09:30 pm
mrkinch: Treize and Zechs clasping white-gloved hands (treize)
[personal profile] mrkinch
So I just finished a surprise re-watch of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing, my first all-in fandom about fifteen years ago. For all it's philosophically incomprehensible, I was still completely engaged, and the end is INTENSE. I mean, I remembered more or less what happens but gosh. Anyway, now I want all my old fav fics. Of course. Dacia's site is still up, though she says she's going to shut it down, and Gundam Wing Addiction, and Mel and Christy's, too! This could be great, or I may find my taste in fic has changed too much. We shall see!

A Real Hack

Jul. 20th, 2017 07:34 pm
pshaw_raven: (Lurking Kitty)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
I finally have gotten around to setting up folders on my DA gallery, but I haven't yet scanned any rough work for the sketches folder. I may do some tonight, or just do it in the morning? I dunno, it's only 7:30 now.

Baby Sheba is having problems. She's been coughing and bringing up small amounts of clear fluid, and late last night she started making this ... ratcheting sound. I don't know what the hell else to call it. I made a quick trip into Keystone Heights for hairball remedy, hoping that's all it is. She's a short-haired cat but that doesn't preclude a hairball problem. If this doesn't get it, she'll be headed to the vet soon. For a five-pound cat she's incredibly hard to crate - last time I took her in (to be spayed) I looked like I'd fought a tornado made of razor blades. I had already dropped her off and was in line at Starbuck's before I realized I looked like I had possibly murdered someone. Actually all the blood was mine, but hey.

Also, that was when David Bowie died. Taking my cat to the vet killed David Bowie. So this time around she has the potential to take down Paul McCartney. Or Bob Dylan. None of these guys are young.

Otherwise she seems fine. Her appetite is normal, she seems a little less playful than normal but all the coughing and hacking are bound to be tiring. Her nose is cold and damp, and her gums are pink. Also she's four years old, she just got stuck with "Baby" Sheba because she's the youngest kitty. Anyway, going to try getting some of the cat-lax in her and see if that helps. Poor kitty.

I just finished a three-day Facebook blackout and found I didn't miss it at all. I'm leaving it and Messenger in place to communicate with my family but I'm so fucking done with that site. Groups makes it nice to browse my fitness groups and stuff without scrolling through the endless blather that is my news feed. I'm very glad to have broken that habit.

Other than that there isn't much going on here lately. I'm pretty happy with things being quiet - it's been entirely too exciting lately. Zox dropped a "Wizard Pack" of four straps featuring four animals and four familiar color schemes, and I did manage to get my grubby claws on one. In other Harry Potter things, I'm enjoying the hell out of My Life As A Background Slytherin. Especially this one.
 


Gender in Comics

Jul. 20th, 2017 12:23 am
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
I found this analysis of gender in comics to be fascinating.  In many categories, I've written against the mainstream pattern, such as having females with super-strength and males with psychic powers.  In a few areas I may have replicated the pattern; with pheromone control and prehensile hair, I could only think of female characters, although I'm sure there are males with pheromones.
laurel: Picture of Laurel with Garibaldi cardboard standup (Default)
[personal profile] laurel
I confess, I hadn't a clue Postmates was a thing until a couplefew months ago. Maybe you aren't familiar with it either.

Basically it's a service where people will deliver things to you. From restaurants to stores, all sorts of places. Fast food! If you've occasionally wished Dairy Queen would deliver, this might be the thing for you (though how well it works may depend on how close the DQ is and how hot it is outside and what you order). The service is available in a bunch of cities, check their website to see if it'll work near you.

Lots of places have menus available in the app (I sometimes wind up checking out the restaurants own websites for more detail if I'm not already familiar with the place). Stores might have a list of frequently purchased items with prices (I know Apple Stores do). You can also request items that aren't listed. Or have them get things from places that don't have such details in their system. I've always just purchased things that were listed so I'm not sure how well it works if you go rogue. ;-p I've had good luck with delivery people for the most part.

When I first used it, it was with a credit worth $100 of delivery fees for a week. So I was able to get things without paying for delivery so stuff just cost what they would at the restaurant/store + whatever I tipped the delivery person. Not a bad deal. That week I went a bit wild and got lunch from various fast food joints most days and that was novel. We're pinching pennies so it's hard for me to justify this when there is a delivery fee, though they do have a limited number of places where there's a set delivery fee that's cheaper than usual. Plus they seem to run deals fairly often where you get free delivery.

When that Unicorn drink was A Thing I remember seeing people using Postmates to get the beverage so they weren't the ones waiting in line but instead it was a Postmates person (one hopes they tipped well if it took a while).

Anyway. I'm mentioning it in case you want to get in on one of those $100 in delivery fee credit for 7 days deals. Use my referrer code of "FZYD2" to get that deal (I'll get a delivery fee credit of up to $10 after your first order). They've been warning me that this deal isn't gonna last much longer, thus my mentioning it. (Sneaky, Postmates. I bet they offer yet another referral deal after this one expires, no idea if it will be better or worse.)

Hard Things

Jul. 19th, 2017 11:32 am
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Life is full of things which are hard or tedious or otherwise unpleasant that need doing anyhow. They help make the world go 'round, they improve skills, and they boost your sense of self-respect. But doing them still kinda sucks. It's all the more difficult to do those things when nobody appreciates it. Happily, blogging allows us to share our accomplishments and pat each other on the back.

What are some of the hard things you've done recently? What are some hard things you haven't gotten to yet, but need to do?

July 2017 Poetry Fishbowl, Session 2

Jul. 18th, 2017 12:43 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
The July 2017 Poetry Fishbowl is once again open.  We're reusing the original post with its donation button and ticker. However, please place new prompts below THIS post, because the other one is already so full that comments are collapsing, which makes them harder to read or search.  You may prompt in this session IF 1) you did not prompt in the July 4 session OR 2) you donated to the July 4 session.

I will do the best I can to fill new prompts and pick up some from the previous session.  I have no idea how long it'll take.  My body is being kind of cranky after last week's adventures, and the internet is a bit iffy although nowhere near as bad as it was earlier this month.  Witch me luck, eh?

Recent Trip

Jul. 17th, 2017 11:41 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
In case you're wondering what I did last week, my partner Doug went to the IBM/SAM magic convention in Louisville, Kentucky. We met up with friends, and I spent several days exploring the tourist attractions ...

Read more... )

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819 202122
23242526272829
3031     

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 23rd, 2017 06:37 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios